The Blogympics: Field of Screams

The Olympics is the biggest sports day in the world and being both Greek and English you would think I would be all over it like white on rice; but I’m not. Honestly I couldn’t give a fart in a bath tub about it. I am not one of those people who will say the money could have been spent more wisely or the legacy of the games is usually debt and sports facilities one uses. I am a simple man some might say stupid but they are mean, I simply hate the fact that television, Twitter and Facebook have turned in 24/7 sports broadcasters. Take rowing for example; I don’t know anyone who would actively go out of their way to watch it at any other time. “Yes, let’s get some beers in and watch the rowing league game” In my scenario there are leagues in rowing. To be honest I have no idea how rowing works and you might say that the Olympics gives me a chance to learn about a sport but frankly it’s just useless information sitting in my brain till a time it chooses to turn into a tumour and kill me; I’m not a doctor but I am pretty sure that’s how it works.

You could be forgiven for thinking I am just shitting on the games because I am not a sports minded kind of guy, but you are wrong I follow some sports to an almost sickening standard. Ok I watch football and MMA and get all the gossip but I don’t know them inside out, I am not one of those people, times and dates of past achievements aren’t my dag. Maybe a history degree was a bad choice. I just think it’s an excuse for people to be nationalistic and prideful which are meaningless things to me, yay a person I have never met won at a sport I have never tried but because he is from my nation I get to be boastful. You don’t; so please stop, go back to posting pictures of the meals you have made or a quote that inspires you because I have made an active choice not to watch the games, most for the companies sponsoring it are known killers and the people taking part are so alien to my way of thinking that I might as well be from a different planet.  

I guess all I have to say is there must be something going on in your life that is more pertinent to those whom follow or friend you on your social networking site of choice than the achievements of other people. I want my social network back!

I started something...

The start of something is always the most difficult part for me, getting ready for it and the anxiety associated with activity; that’s not a typing error, everything gets me in a state of mega Woody Alleness. I genuinely get all sweaty about doing anything new, it doesn’t even have the decency to be the sexy glistening sort but more a full on flop sweat; so when I am faced with a MEETING (cue Foley artist thunder and Lighting technician switching the lights off and on) I stay up and smoke cigarettes . Granted not the best idea but almost unavoidable I’m afraid, having tried many methods of stress management, most including booze or drugs I have whittled down all the available options and quite by accident I find myself with my own coping mechanisms, which all revolve around distracting myself till I am doing the activity, in this case a meeting (I have a limited budget for this blog; do you know how much imaginary Foley and Lighting crew are when they are union? With the state of this economy you can’t go none union sends the wrong message).

I know what you’re thinking, but where would I get a freeze ray at such short notice and more to the point I hate the cold. Oh? Are you sure? You weren’t thinking that… Oh OK. I hope we can just move on and leave this ugliness behind us.

There; nice new paragraph to get away from all that business. It may seem a sort of empty headed idea trying to distract oneself, and raises more questions than it answers, but it’s simple really; if you are not inclined to deep existential thought and avoid the pressing metaphysical components. You simply don’t have to go to the meeting till after you have watched TV and had a shower; it’s like a treat for time about to be served. I really have tried everything; I mediate daily and go for long walks listen to BBC Radio Four which I think is the auditory equivalent of 4 Diazepam, but stress is a part of me as much as this lump is on my back which I don’t think was there yesterday and I am pretty sure if it was there yesterday it has changed colour twice.

I am an easy going guy really; I have affected an air of arrogance that can only come from being so universally disliked at high school. I have goals and I strive to achieve them but try to get me to do something new and I am sweaty tired idiot. So there is not a moral to this one really. Oh I suppose support imaginary unions in this time of fantasy bust.

Self Love Songs

 Who says love songs have to be for people with somebody else to love? The couples that who, not enough I have to be reminded of my own failure as a human to find a mate by their insistance on posting messages and pictures on facebook but when they go out to bars together and rub my face in it; that just takes the cake and does a big shit on it in the shape of the word single. Well I have had enough! No more will every love song be a stab at my heart from now on they will remind me of all the good times me and my dick had. The Top Ten Self Love Songs, for extra points wank to the beat of each and try to get to the end.

 

 

10. Chaka Khan - Ain't Nobody

 

 

 

9. Fine Young Cannibals - She Drives Me Crazy 

8. Flying Pickets - Only You 

7. T'pau-China In Your Hands

6. Waterboys-The Whole Of The Moon

5. Aztec Camera - Somewhere In My Heart 

4. Level42 - Lessons In Love 

 

3. Cutting Crew- (I Just) Died in Your Arms 

2. Duran Duran - Girls On Film 

 

1. Elton John- Can You Feel The Love Tonight Music

 

 

Tips on writing from a lazy shit!

Long-time no see; since last I wrote and you guys read I have been very ill, which was a massive bag of balls it also gave me an excuse to do exactly nothing, which is my favourite thing. In fact I have been well for a while but I love doing nothing also I think I have reached the limit of my creativity my brains is as empty as a hookers eyes grinding away trying to forget all the terrible life choices she made, one more fix then she will never touch the stuff again maybe get into a program, talk to her mother; she might even move back home for a while till she can get on her feet; but those are just lies she tells herself she’s stuck and she knows it, her eyes seem to say “Don’t cry for me, I’m already dead.” While Love lifts us up where we belong plays on the radio in the pick-up truck while the john grunts out of time.

So how do I improve my output both in terms of quality and volume? It’s a real brain teaser that me and hookers share, I could try and work harder, organise my time better and be less critical of my ideas till I have them formed into a piece then review and hone the work till I am pleased with the final product and release it when its ready. Sounds like a lot of work right? And how does it relate to hookers? It does and you should drop the hooker thing already its making you look desperate.  So I am thinking what if I just go for bulk like looking at a news article and write any old shit about them. I think that sounds easy and as you might have gleamed I am lazy and I think we should legalise prostitution. I mean why can I not just be unoriginal like a sort of covers blogger, bands seem to make a living doing old songs at weddings and such.

Please legalise prostitution and stay tuned to me just churning out crap till it gets good.     

Blog it’s like a vomit sound but it’s completely different

I have been filming stuff for a YouTube channel I have created, so far it has a stupid animation that I will tag on the end but nothing else I have filmed a bunch of stuff but I hate my face and the sound of my voice so much that I can’t face uploading them also I will probably just make a massive tit of myself as I try to be “funny”. I look like a cross between and angry Lego man and regen on football manager which is the look I go for but to have aced it is a bit jarring. The main problem I have though is I want them to be really good. So far I have managed to barely scrape below par, yeah golf; I don’t know how it works but I am pretty confident in using a metaphor like a pro. You know golf is good because if you get hungry you can just grab a sand wedge. Yes you are right I should go sit on a golf bat.

I am not saying this for sympathy (I need a blog entry and this is what I have been doing so how about you give me a break) it’s really practicalities that are bothering me, and being as practical as simile that would denote I am not practical has it’s draw backs. I just wish I had a good place to film. My spec is simple I want a white wall, no not because I am a racist just think it would look “cleaner” because white is cleaner, it just feels right you know; white is right for me. It might not work for everyone but I think you are wrong; all other colours are inferior and the best is white. White power! Just for what I am trying to achieve the dominance of white on my YouTube account. What would be best thought would be a green screen, but I don’t have George Lucas money. (Are you glad I dropped the veiled racist stuff, it got really weird for a while)

I do however have something filmed I am vaguely happy with and will be posting it on Sunday, I hope to do two a week and start doing a podcast as I now have everything I need. I shall be annoying you with news of that later on. Oh I haven’t actually told you what my “show” is about, well here is the format. Opening monologue followed by sketches and ending with something stupid. I need opening music so if you make music and want to give it me free I would love to use it for evil. The details of my podcast are sketchy but I just want to interview interesting people, like university professors, up and coming bands and comics maybe artists if they do them in Manchester.    

Does Cameron Dream of the Electric Rich

From the country that brought you democracy, philosophy and maths involving triangles (big shout out to my man Pythagoras and his mo’ fuckin’ theorem the boy is huge in the game; R.I.P you know the gal they miss you) comes unsettling news; no it’s not more math involving shapes that you will never use like a Tesseract. Fascists vs. Communist the smash hit of the forties’ is coming back! With the vote split evenly amongst these two anachronistic parties it looks like it’s about to kick off.

 I know remakes/ reboots/ ensemble action flicks are all the rage now but I think this is more of a mistake than Titanic 3D. I mean how do you replace a cast like Stalin, Roosevelt and Churchill? Sure you have Putin and Obama who I think would slide effortlessly into the roles of Communist and pragmatic isolationist respectively, but there is no Churchill. Camtron 4000 doesn’t have a humanity chip that is fully operational, not to mention the voice. Camtron 4000 is a failed model and we should retire him, Blade Runner style. (For the purposes of my trail and forced detention in a terror camp I would like to state that killing an android is not murder in the Philip K. Dick universe. I have no plan to kill anything that can be proven to have lived you may commence beating a confession out of me like an older brother may a younger or if you prefer like a husband does a wife in those life time movies)

I guess what I am saying is why would a country that suffered so badly under Nazi occupation vote a fascist in? My guess, they Googled the word Jew and opened up a whole world of hate. Bloody internet.

The Things I Like That you Might Like, Because That's a Blog

I have two hands working again so I shall blog, I have nothing interesting or witty to talk about but that hasn’t stopped me before, self-immolation. I will make this a review of things I enjoy, from podcasts to television programs, I won’t be in-depth and by Christ we all know that nobody reads this thing for information or at all so that doesn’t matter. It will just be a list of things you might not be aware of to try out and see if you like.

Podcasts

Nerdist.com

Three comedians interview all sorts of different people and have chats amongst themselves in a thing they call the hostful show. Can be great or grating dependant on the guests and moods of the hosts but overall a fun thing to listen to while on the bus. I have gotten days of fun out of it.

Smodcast.com

Kevin Smith has his own podcast and comic book store (this will come up again) from which come some very good shows, I like Tell ‘em Steve-Dave and the Secret Stash, just them chatting about anything that pops up. Bryan Johnson cracks me up.

Wtfpod.com

Marc Maron is our host; he is a complex man that asks great questions but sometimes his hatred of himself makes you feel sad. Worth listen to though.

Television

Community

A TV show that focuses on a community college; it’s the closest thing to a live action cartoon that there is. Will make you say Scrubs has nothing on this. It’s a comedy.

Comic Book Men

Yes it’s a reality show, and a spin-off of Tell Em Steve Dave base on the Secret Stash Kevin Smiths comic book store (I told it would come back) funny and talks about comic history through the items brought into the shop based around the hook that they are recording a podcast. Give it a try.

Archer

Danger Zone! That will make sense when you watch it. A secret agent with an drinking problem brilliant cartoon. A must watch but I only know one person that watches it, and that isn’t good enough. It’s not because it isn’t good it’s because the advertising isn’t there to promote the show. It’s better than Family Guy in my humble opinion.

I guess if one of you checks one of these things out, I would have wasted me time but if a bunch of you do and enjoy them, then I can call this something I did. What a profound ending to the blog again. Taxi!

Snowden: Bear Grylls Ain't got Shit on Me!

So I am an adventurer, with that comes peril. My spirits high and full of carbs I bravely got a lift from a friend and his sister to Wales to face Snowden, which is the second highest mountain in the U.K. Take that wikipeaks. The way there was lovely we got coffees and laughed generally having a grand old time.  Seeing road signs that look like a dyslexic game of scrabble taking well-meaning swipes at the locals. Arriving laughing we got some provisions crisp flap jacks and lucazade, we clearly were ready for this, so called mountain. The first part was photos and a hard walk, some beautiful scenery. My friend Chris has the photos, we were so young so care free so tried and sweaty. Then came what I can only describe as akin to a gravity hack on a pc game I was on a mountain, really high up, above the birds. I had casually vomited twice through fatigue feeling at one with nature. I had a panic attack. I got over the hardest bit and was basically walking when I spied a path which seemed to my keen outdoorsmen like eyes as close. Pitching a fit and basically crying I shouted Bear Grills ain’t got shit on me and headed straight down. I had Redox classics on one of my many cocky moves that would prove my heart, nerve and stupidity. I slipped like a man! Oh I was manly. I remember thinking this is how I die and just accepting it. Landing like a gymnast I shouted I am alive trying to stand, my second worst idea. Some people called mountain rescue and we waited while I went into shock laughing like a mental and cursing anything welsh. Dragons, leaks, Gavin and Stacey, Rob Brydon, Tom Jones and Daffodils it’s good to keep your mind active in this situations. I had fallen 10-15 meters and I was alive. Chris and Alex Lehane siblings, kept me entertained and alive and I love them. I caused them so much embarrassment and I didn’t care. I was alive. The hospital was a blur of drugs laughing gas and Chris flicking my nipples while I was in a neck brace. I fell off  a mountain but I had lived we’ll call this one a draw Wales.

This is only short because typing with one had is a shit. Oh yeah dislocated my shoulder.