Mind Games and Death

I haven’t written in ages because I found a lump on my neck and I have been freaking out that I might die, I can picturing you reading that sentence and musing to yourself why would you share that with me? It’s because I think it’s beautiful; if I can’t make people laugh about my lump I should give up trying to be a comic.

I have been to the doctor who was a prim effeminate gentleman and in Wythenshawe that means he wore a shirt and it was tucked in, so I am waiting for results. However some of the most amazing conversation occurred in my consultation after the obligatory greetings and a neck rub that lasted to long for my liking, his shirt had me thinking he was looking for excuses to touch me. We moved on to the most awkward exchange I have ever had, it is higher on the list than being told off by a mother for violating her daughter (she was 18, stop Googling the Daily Mail). He sits down and launches into pure unadulterated filth.

Visibly uncomfortable he switches into high gear.

Doctor: Do you have Discharge?

Me: Discharge??

Pointing at his groin.

Doctor: ….From…Your…P…Penis?

I shake my head and start worrying that my doctor doesn’t like talking about anatomy and has forgotten his classes in the subject. The neck bone does not connect to the dick bone, but he is the doctor and now he seems to be rallying and his training comes out.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

I have no idea what made me say this but these words came out of my mouth.

Me: Well, I don’t like to drag but yeah, I get laid a lot.

Really I am in a teen movie right now! My insides burn with something I believe is akin to a sense of accomplishment as I see a man much smarter than me with goals, hopes and dream die a little in front of me and I hold a laugh in, it may have been a slight lie about my sexual activity but it was worth it. You have to remember at this point I think I am pretty much dead so I am swinging for the fences.

Doctor: Do you have any lumps around your groin?

It was as if god had placed manna in my lap and I ate it like a starving field hand.

Me: Just the two.

Alright the set up was not that great but I didn’t know how many ball jokes I had left in me. He then does some Derren Brown mind trick shit that sends me off in to a spiral.

Doctor: It’s a lump on your lymph node…. One Second.

He then starts looking up stuff on the computer and making disagreeing and sympathetic tones.

Doctor: Ok………That’s…….Hmmm…… Well…… Oh.

I start sweating and writing a mental list of all those who have wronged me so I can take vengeance. I must have looked a right mess when I see him looking at me, I swear we exchanged a look that could only mean good game but we all know who won here. He went on to explain that lymph nodes go up all the time it’s probably just a virus and blood will be drawn to confirm. He is a great doctor but I kind of want it be really bad news so when I get my results back he has to tell me knowing that I lowered him to my level and he destroyed me by holding death over me, and now I am dying. I would so win then.

Written but not spell checked because I probably don’t have the time for that anymore.