New Year's Resolution

This will not be a Wikipedia entry I will cover the very basics of the man, he was a bad-ass. Fighting in World War 1 being a journalist in the Spanish Civil War, World War 2 and the Greco-Turkish War winning a Nobel Prize and meeting and befriending every single great writer of his time, he loved to drink and fight. In short he was a proper man so when it came time to come up with some sort of new year’s resolution if only so I had something to talk to my family about on new year’s day I looked to this bastion of manly manness Ernest Hemmingway. 

He was that much of a bloke he was confident enough to tell other would be men how to do it, his balls must have been the size of space hoppers and made of steel, with hair on them like razor wire; no wonder he had so many wives they probably all bled to death after trying to cradle such heroic testes. So like the Beta male I am I fell in line pleading with the ghost of manliness past to guide me to the wrought iron gates (let’s face it there is no manlier metal than wrought iron, I think you will agree) that opened up to manhood. But I faced a challenge from the outset; my own stupidity. I thought it was Mark Twain that came up with this list, so after that school boy error I found the list and was pretty much blown away by the simplicity of it. Four things made up the list, only four. My hubris did a piss in his general direction and how wrong my hubris was, because when pissing all boys learn never to do it into the wind. 

1.      1.Plant a tree

2.      2. Father a son

3.       3.Fight a bull

4.       4.Write a book

 

Obviously these acts are full of symbolism and the rest of the drum kit (I hope that pun made you sad, a small portion of my soul just died but I really truly cannot help myself) so surely I won’t be doing them as they are, like balls I won’t. I will even be adding one climb a mountain, take that you revered bastard. Ok so bulls are in short supply in the UK, I am sure they are out there but I can’t find an app for it, like a Grinder for bulls called Bullseye or MOOnuver so I will be changing that to an equally dangerous task to be mentioned below. Now that I am looking at it like this I have to say women who want to have children so I can win some sort of petty life points in a ridiculous game are even rarer; I would stand a better chance of fathering a son with a bull at this point in life. You win those rounds Hemmingway.

But I have my list of how to become a man:

1.      1. Plant a tree, a simple one for one transfer that will be fun and get me into the great outdoors.

2.      2. Charity work for St. Francis Children’s Hospital, this I figured is a good way round the whole children thing and having done some before it just sang out to me.

3.       3.Climb a mountain, because real men get nature in a headlock and shout ‘Your mine now boy’ and also it’s a physical challenge furthermore the amount of climbing based metaphors for achievement are immense and if I have to become a man I have a real mountain to climb. (told you before I honestly can’t help myself)

4.      4. Finish and send off my pilot to the BBC, I am replacing write a book because I have been doing that for about a year now and it’s going very badly. Well, slowly.

5.     5.  Skydive, face a fear of death and replace bull fighting. 

I will be doing a write put and maybe even a video of the events as and when they are done. Here is to a great year and if it can’t be great at least it gives me something to write about.