Mind Games and Death

I haven’t written in ages because I found a lump on my neck and I have been freaking out that I might die, I can picturing you reading that sentence and musing to yourself why would you share that with me? It’s because I think it’s beautiful; if I can’t make people laugh about my lump I should give up trying to be a comic.

I have been to the doctor who was a prim effeminate gentleman and in Wythenshawe that means he wore a shirt and it was tucked in, so I am waiting for results. However some of the most amazing conversation occurred in my consultation after the obligatory greetings and a neck rub that lasted to long for my liking, his shirt had me thinking he was looking for excuses to touch me. We moved on to the most awkward exchange I have ever had, it is higher on the list than being told off by a mother for violating her daughter (she was 18, stop Googling the Daily Mail). He sits down and launches into pure unadulterated filth.

Visibly uncomfortable he switches into high gear.

Doctor: Do you have Discharge?

Me: Discharge??

Pointing at his groin.

Doctor: ….From…Your…P…Penis?

I shake my head and start worrying that my doctor doesn’t like talking about anatomy and has forgotten his classes in the subject. The neck bone does not connect to the dick bone, but he is the doctor and now he seems to be rallying and his training comes out.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

I have no idea what made me say this but these words came out of my mouth.

Me: Well, I don’t like to drag but yeah, I get laid a lot.

Really I am in a teen movie right now! My insides burn with something I believe is akin to a sense of accomplishment as I see a man much smarter than me with goals, hopes and dream die a little in front of me and I hold a laugh in, it may have been a slight lie about my sexual activity but it was worth it. You have to remember at this point I think I am pretty much dead so I am swinging for the fences.

Doctor: Do you have any lumps around your groin?

It was as if god had placed manna in my lap and I ate it like a starving field hand.

Me: Just the two.

Alright the set up was not that great but I didn’t know how many ball jokes I had left in me. He then does some Derren Brown mind trick shit that sends me off in to a spiral.

Doctor: It’s a lump on your lymph node…. One Second.

He then starts looking up stuff on the computer and making disagreeing and sympathetic tones.

Doctor: Ok………That’s…….Hmmm…… Well…… Oh.

I start sweating and writing a mental list of all those who have wronged me so I can take vengeance. I must have looked a right mess when I see him looking at me, I swear we exchanged a look that could only mean good game but we all know who won here. He went on to explain that lymph nodes go up all the time it’s probably just a virus and blood will be drawn to confirm. He is a great doctor but I kind of want it be really bad news so when I get my results back he has to tell me knowing that I lowered him to my level and he destroyed me by holding death over me, and now I am dying. I would so win then.

Written but not spell checked because I probably don’t have the time for that anymore.

Blue Monday Bullshit

According to the “scientist” Cliff Arnall and his 2005 formula it is the most depressing day of the year, however he did write this for Sky Travel as part of an advertising campaign leading most scientist to call bullshit on it. I’m not a scientist but I am pretty sure that’s how peer review works. Read the Wikipedia page, very bitter and I like that. So in that spirit I will write some facts for you, just you. You have a pretty mouth. You’re my favourite. I want to hold you. Love you, mean it. Did you get the love heart I made out of human skin for you? That’s my skin you’re touching.  

Most the fish didn’t leave the sea because they didn’t believe in evolution.

3% of people love puppet sex.

Women love you screaming one of their sisters name during sex however if you shout your own mothers name while strangling your partner they leave you for a better looking man.

Homeless people are actually street art.

Reading Katie Price novels give you SDIs.

Kelis’ milkshake would have to be bigger than the earth to bring all the boys to the yard.

Smoking makes you 37% cooler. Smoking menthols however has the inverse effect.

Every time you Google something a library dies.

Dark matter is the sequel to the dark crystal whereas Higgs Boson is a 70s odd couple cop show. Higgs is uptight and Boson is a hip cat, the twist is they both love the same women.

A vagina is like a TARDIS, bigger on the inside.

I am just annoyed because I thought that was a fact and it turns out I have been putting mind poison (Kurt Vonnegut reference)   out to the cosmos. Sorry cosmos.