I started something...

The start of something is always the most difficult part for me, getting ready for it and the anxiety associated with activity; that’s not a typing error, everything gets me in a state of mega Woody Alleness. I genuinely get all sweaty about doing anything new, it doesn’t even have the decency to be the sexy glistening sort but more a full on flop sweat; so when I am faced with a MEETING (cue Foley artist thunder and Lighting technician switching the lights off and on) I stay up and smoke cigarettes . Granted not the best idea but almost unavoidable I’m afraid, having tried many methods of stress management, most including booze or drugs I have whittled down all the available options and quite by accident I find myself with my own coping mechanisms, which all revolve around distracting myself till I am doing the activity, in this case a meeting (I have a limited budget for this blog; do you know how much imaginary Foley and Lighting crew are when they are union? With the state of this economy you can’t go none union sends the wrong message).

I know what you’re thinking, but where would I get a freeze ray at such short notice and more to the point I hate the cold. Oh? Are you sure? You weren’t thinking that… Oh OK. I hope we can just move on and leave this ugliness behind us.

There; nice new paragraph to get away from all that business. It may seem a sort of empty headed idea trying to distract oneself, and raises more questions than it answers, but it’s simple really; if you are not inclined to deep existential thought and avoid the pressing metaphysical components. You simply don’t have to go to the meeting till after you have watched TV and had a shower; it’s like a treat for time about to be served. I really have tried everything; I mediate daily and go for long walks listen to BBC Radio Four which I think is the auditory equivalent of 4 Diazepam, but stress is a part of me as much as this lump is on my back which I don’t think was there yesterday and I am pretty sure if it was there yesterday it has changed colour twice.

I am an easy going guy really; I have affected an air of arrogance that can only come from being so universally disliked at high school. I have goals and I strive to achieve them but try to get me to do something new and I am sweaty tired idiot. So there is not a moral to this one really. Oh I suppose support imaginary unions in this time of fantasy bust.

Self Love Songs

 Who says love songs have to be for people with somebody else to love? The couples that who, not enough I have to be reminded of my own failure as a human to find a mate by their insistance on posting messages and pictures on facebook but when they go out to bars together and rub my face in it; that just takes the cake and does a big shit on it in the shape of the word single. Well I have had enough! No more will every love song be a stab at my heart from now on they will remind me of all the good times me and my dick had. The Top Ten Self Love Songs, for extra points wank to the beat of each and try to get to the end.

 

 

10. Chaka Khan - Ain't Nobody

 

 

 

9. Fine Young Cannibals - She Drives Me Crazy 

8. Flying Pickets - Only You 

7. T'pau-China In Your Hands

6. Waterboys-The Whole Of The Moon

5. Aztec Camera - Somewhere In My Heart 

4. Level42 - Lessons In Love 

 

3. Cutting Crew- (I Just) Died in Your Arms 

2. Duran Duran - Girls On Film 

 

1. Elton John- Can You Feel The Love Tonight Music

 

 

Tips on writing from a lazy shit!

Long-time no see; since last I wrote and you guys read I have been very ill, which was a massive bag of balls it also gave me an excuse to do exactly nothing, which is my favourite thing. In fact I have been well for a while but I love doing nothing also I think I have reached the limit of my creativity my brains is as empty as a hookers eyes grinding away trying to forget all the terrible life choices she made, one more fix then she will never touch the stuff again maybe get into a program, talk to her mother; she might even move back home for a while till she can get on her feet; but those are just lies she tells herself she’s stuck and she knows it, her eyes seem to say “Don’t cry for me, I’m already dead.” While Love lifts us up where we belong plays on the radio in the pick-up truck while the john grunts out of time.

So how do I improve my output both in terms of quality and volume? It’s a real brain teaser that me and hookers share, I could try and work harder, organise my time better and be less critical of my ideas till I have them formed into a piece then review and hone the work till I am pleased with the final product and release it when its ready. Sounds like a lot of work right? And how does it relate to hookers? It does and you should drop the hooker thing already its making you look desperate.  So I am thinking what if I just go for bulk like looking at a news article and write any old shit about them. I think that sounds easy and as you might have gleamed I am lazy and I think we should legalise prostitution. I mean why can I not just be unoriginal like a sort of covers blogger, bands seem to make a living doing old songs at weddings and such.

Please legalise prostitution and stay tuned to me just churning out crap till it gets good.