Thoughts on shopping and Megan Fox

I like to ask the big questions of myself, you know the earth shatteringly important ones. Is there a God? Can there be true altruism? What force does Kalis’ milkshake exude and how big is her garden? If she indeed wanted to bring all the boys to the yard, I am thinking there for I aming… A solid two minutes went into deciding if that joke was worth keeping; my conclusion was some jokes are just for me so fuck you! OK. So it came to me as quite a shock when I stopped asking myself all these important questions to focus on one; can I get this cheaper somewhere else. It is January people and you should be shopping like the nice little consumer you are, the nature of your id can wait have you seen how cheap these chinos are!

Mind you I am no Marxist but I don’t think it takes a genius or a filthy red to realise we are being screwed, if they can sell them this cheap then why do I have to pay so much in the first place? Marx would say it is price fetishism, we don’t see the actual cost of the parts and labour coming to a rational conclusion. We see the shiny toy and go gee whiz that must be a billion pounds! What it is only £120.00 for those shoes; but the silk from heaven alone must cost more than that in shipping. So ask yourself one great question this salesuary, why do I put up with all these artificial inflated prices all the other months?

Here ends the propaganda, and for being a good little internet person; here is a barrage of filth about Megan Fox, I wouldn’t touch her pussy with Magic Johnsons dick. The only thing worse than her acting is maybe child rape and even then it’s a close run thing and I would probably want to stay in a room longer with a child rapist than her. Megan Fox can be smelt before she can be seen, cats have been known to leave their homes in New York to search for that great fish smell in the west, most die on the way, but does Megan Fox clean her acrid cum hole to save the little kitties lives, no she doesn’t give a fuck. She was the worst thing in a Transformers movie, that’s like being the least sticky at a bukkake party. She sounds like little orphan Annie had she had to suck a lot of dicks. Her arsehole doesn’t close anymore. Megan Fox lost the main role of Elizabeth Taylor to Lindsay Lohan in Liz and Dick the worst movie this year and it was a TV movie; the only way she could get lower in my estimation is if she; there is no way I hate her and I hope she is barren because if she breeds it can only be the devil seed and the end of days.

Goodnight, sweet dreams.

Private Eye: The story of the girl and the thing she wanted

This is to be read in an american grizzled accent, please enjoy the working opening on my show that I will eventually put on somewhere.

It could have been mid-night or mid-day I didn’t know; three nights making love to lady whiskey will do that to a man, but held in her embrace I could almost learn to trust again, almost. I’d been through hell on my last job finding a little girls cat, nine days I searched every tree in the city, there wasn’t a litter box I hadn’t gone through with a fine tooth comb, when I found the pussy crushed by a car I almost went mad, payment on delivery; that’s my promise. Scrapping a cat up off the road with nothing but your bare hands and a grimace will change a man on the inside and is as good a reason as any to start a passionate affair with the only women that will never leave me; whiskey. Not that I ever need a good reason.

She came into my office like a stick of dynamite; I knew if I got her hot it could be dangerous. She had a face like a light in a dark rainy city, comforting. Lips like and open pair of legs, inviting; her body was a wonderland; I really wanted to have a long think with it. Most dangerously she reminded me of whiskey, my wife, my lover and my only friend.  She didn't make the rules on beauty but she sure as hell broke the mould. She is charming, positively coquettish. In short that bitch from Troy didn’t have shit on her. Red Herring she introduced herself as and right away I didn’t trust her, like a lazy pulp fiction writer I knew she would prove an interesting plot device in the third act. She had one hell of a job for me, no cats this time; but for some reason I couldn’t shake the impression I was going to get some pussy.